I realised something about myself tonight. I am like Steven- with Nevets- but the one person. If Steven gets just a little bit provoked in anyway, Nevets comes out to play. I am so easily angered because I am so easily hurt. My anger is a barrier I put up- like a shield to protect myself. I feel if I get just a tiny bit hurt its best to go for the kill before they finish me off. Better you than me.
My insecurities are my downfall. I tell myself I won’t trust anyone but I usually trust them too much straight away. It’s only after they stuff me over- and they all do- that I draw my trust back. I must come across too nice, too forgiving. They all lie to me, I get angry and very hurt- so, so hurt- then I forgive them and it happens all over again. Why? How is this fair? All I ask for is the truth.
Once the truth about an issue hasn’t been told to me after many lies, anymore truths on the topic make me furious. I condition myself that the topic is a very bad one that has caused pain so nothing can ever be spoken civically about it again. Would never get to that point if I was never lied to in the first place! I am actually a very reasonable person.
They ask me what’s wrong. Act like I over react. It’s not rocket science- just don’t lie. I give you my soul on a platter, open up to you and I’m expected to not get upset when you’re a lying closed book?
It makes me feel like they are hiding something from me. This feeds my insecurities. Makes me worry. It shoots down any scrap of self esteem I had and makes me doubt myself. People are so selfish- look what you do to me. It’s a never ending circle and the more it happens the worse it gets. In effect you’re only hurting yourself.
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